Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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