don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
