Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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