Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
