you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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