my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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