She's JV to your varsity
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
