my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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