my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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