I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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