I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
