mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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