i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
