omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
