Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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