My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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