Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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