I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
