Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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