He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
