his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found your dick twin last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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