drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
