This is not my ceiling
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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