i permit you to call me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
