Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
