Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
