So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
