ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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