Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
