And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize