oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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