the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
