Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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