just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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