My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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