lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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