i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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