I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
