sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
