Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize