my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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