just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
