I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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