Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Soap is not a condiment
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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