i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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