why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
