Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
