I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
