Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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