Welp...herpes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
