cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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