If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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