I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize