just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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