Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
