I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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