You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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