I wanna bring you to show and tell
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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