The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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