..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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