Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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