Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
