How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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