Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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